8 months old

My sweet Kara is 8 months old today! She is growing so tall so fast! She is wearing some of the same clothes that Julia and Adria wore at 18 months. She is also going to be a talker. She already says "more" and "hi" on a regular basis. She tries her best to mimick other words too. She loves to mimick people. She'll try anything. She loves to spit, clap her hands, roll across a room faster than a speeding bullet, and eat. Mostly the spitting and eating together. She has crawled, but prefers rolling still. She absolutely adores Julia, which Julia loves. Kara remains the happiest baby in the world. Every one comments on it! She coos and laughs and smiles for just about everyone. She loves people and hates it when anyone leaves the room. We love our sweet baby so very much! Thanks to Grandma for taking these pictures since Mommy couldn't!

Living with the memories

After reading through this post, I want to warn you. It's very emotional and a bit depressing. It's also very long. I almost didn't post it. But the idea of putting my thoughts in some Word document made me mad. I don't care if this is emotional and depressing, its how I feel. I also wanted everyone to know that I'm not superwoman. Yes, I do feel strong most of the time, but I'm not strong because the Lord has made this easy for me. It's hard, harder than I can ever say. I'm strong because I have to go on and the Lord knows that so He gives me enough strength to carry my burden. But it doesn't take away the pain. So I wanted to warn you, if you don't want to cry, don't read this post.
I've debated a lot about posting my struggles. In a lot of ways, I feel like they are mine and mine alone. I was Adria's mom. But I know that everyone around me is struggling too, in their own ways with their own struggles. I don't want this blog to become depressing or focus solely on our loss, but it very much is a part of our lives right now. Someday I want Julia to look back and know that she missed her sister. I know she won't remember much about her time with Adria, and that breaks my heart. So I've started writting down her memories as she tells them to me.
Tonight I miss my baby girl so much. I can't help but write about it. I'm not looking for sympathy or answers, I just want to say what is on my mind.
I have a hard time letting people know how much I miss her. I'm afraid that if I start talking about it, I'll be consumed. And on so many levels I know that nothing I do or say will bring her back to us, so it doesn't matter. But I miss her. I want her back. I know its impossible, but when I look at her pictures or videos or see other little girls playing, it just hurts so much and I know that the only way to stop the hurt would be to have her back. I do know that she still lives. My testimony has never waivered. I just can't help but wish for more time with her.
The night before the accident we stayed in a hotel in St. George. Ben and Julia slept in one bed and Adria and I slept in the other. I think about that night a lot. I can't remember if I held her tight or kissed her goodnight and I hate it. I think I did, I want to believe that I told her I loved her and that she heard me and that she'll still remember that I told her. I know a 3 year old has no idea how much their mother loves them. But I pray every night for Heavenly Father to tell Adria that I love her and I hope that, somehow, she understands now the depth of my love for her.
I can't tell you how scared I am. I don't know how I can go home again. I'll send Ben away to work and send Julia to kindergarten, and then I will be home with only the baby and all the memories of Adria. How do I sit on the couch and remember singing with her just a few weeks ago? How do I open the fridge and not have the milk come crashing down because Adria loved milk and couldn't quite lift it back in? The house will be so painfully, terribly quiet. And I am so afraid of that quiet.
I could go on for hours about all the things I'm going to miss about Adria. She was so alive that it filled our world with life. She was so full of love that we all had more love to give. I tried so hard to understand her, to parent her just right, to let her be herself. I feel like I just got it figured out and now she's gone.
I haven't been back to the cemetary since the funeral. I can't. I haven't even let myself think about it because I feel so awful inside when I think that my baby is locked in a box and trapped under all that dirt. Yes, I know she isn't there. Yes, I know she's happy and free and loved in heaven. But none of that changes the fact that I had to bury her sweet curly hair and her soft chubby hands. At the funeral, my brother said to me that he wanted to rip open the casket and shake her awake. That's when I lost control because that's exactly how I felt. If I had had any other options, I would never have let them put my baby in a box. I know that sounds so awful and horrible, but it has been one of my biggest trials.
The biggest trial of course is missing her. Ben and I both miss her more than should be possible. The heart shouldn't have to hurt like this. Sometimes I just sit and look at pictures of her or watch a video of her over and over. I try to memorize every tiny thing about her. I feel like I could just say over and over, "I miss my baby!" but Ben keeps me from losing my mind. His love pulls me back when I start to lose control. I don't think he even realizes it sometimes. He says I do the same for him. Hopefully, together we can stay sane.
I do need to say that these depressing, miserable times are not the norm. For the most part, we are moving forward, carrying the pain tucked inside. We still laugh and play and love our daughters. In fact, I would say we do it more now. Every day with them seems so precious. When Julia comes to talk to me, she always starts with a hug and leaves with a kiss. I never forget to tell her how much I love her. I hold my Kara so much tighter and so often that its no wonder she isn't crawling. My girls have always been my whole world, but now, I want them to know it.
But I do know that every day of my life I will miss my baby girl. I know that every night I'll tell her I love her. I'm still her mom.

Western Day!

Julia absolutely loves her school up here. She cannot get enough of it. Even though she goes full day, she still is sad when its time to come home. Her teachers are amazing. If we didn't feel so strongly that we're supposed to be in AZ, we would come up here just for this school. Anyway, if there is a month that doesn't have a holiday, the school has one anyway. This month they had Western Day. Julia has been giddy for so long. The anticipation was as high as before Christmas. Today the day finally came. She finally got to wear her Western outfit which she'd been begging to wear for days.

They did lots of Western crafts, got to pet a horse and even had a ho-down dance. Each grade had been practicing their dance and performed for the rest of the school. When she came home she was taking off her hat and saying "Howdy partner!" to everyone she met. I would have to say that it was a perfect day for her.

Memories

Train ride with Daddy

A lot of the days while I was in the hospital Julia came up to visit. Unfortunately, mommy in a bed is pretty dull. She was always kind and sweet and would come cuddle as much as she could through all the i.v. tubes, back braces, oxygen masks, etc. I really loved her visits. One day after her boredom level had started climbing pretty high, Ben took her on the lightrail train to visit downtown and find something fun to do. They told me what they did, but the pain meds really fogged up my memories so I'll just show you the pictures.

Horses

A few weeks ago Daddy got to take Julia horseback riding. She was so excited!!! My brother Jared and his wonderful wife Kim set it up for us. Thanks guys! Aunt Heather joined in the fun, too. Julia keeps asking if she can go again so I know she had a great time.

Happy Birthday Miss Julia!

Another year older. I seriously don't know how 5 years have gone so quickly. I still vividly remember the day we brought you home from the hospital and you and Daddy fell asleep on the couch together. It feels like it just happened. I remember when you took your first steps. You were so pleased you clapped and then fell on your bum. I laughed and so did you.
And now you are 5. You are more beautiful, confident and loving than ever. I am so glad that you are my daughter. I love every minute we spend together. Last night you couldn't sleep so we brought your mattress into my room and you and I talked until 11:30. It was so late, but I loved it. We talked about silly things and things that made you happy or sad. We talked about Adria and heaven and Jesus. But best of all, we talked like friends.
Some day you'll grow up and it will be faster than I want you to, I'm sure. When that day comes I want to remember how you were at age 5.
You like to tell meaningless jokes and then laugh at yourself.
You love to dance and talk about how great you are at dance and show people your leap or how you spin. You love pink and purple and they are both interchangably your favorite color.
You love art. Daddy and I got you an art desk today for your birthday and it was a huge hit. You like to create things and use your imagination. Yesterday you colored two pegasus ponies and cut them out and then Grandma Julie laminated them. They were sisters you told me. Then you carried them around with you everywhere and you said you making a story with them.
You are a perfectionist. You like to please people and do things just right. I'm afraid you got that from me.
You always think before you talk. You won't say something unless you know just the right words. Sometimes I have to ask you a question and let you think about it for a few hours and then we can talk about it.
You have a wonderful testimony. Your testimony has been a strength to so many people in this last month. You have touched so many lives. Even today when we did your spotlight at school, you shared your testimony. I brought a picture of you and your sisters and you told everyone about Adria and that she was in Heaven. Then you told a room full of people that Heaven is our real home and we're just here on earth to learn things. You told them that someday we will all go live with Jesus again. You told them that you know your sister is living in Heaven and that she is happy there. I was so proud of you!
This year for your party you wanted a ballerina party. I did my best from a wheelchair to give you an awesome ballerina party. Luckily, Grandma Julie and Aunt Jess helped a ton. It was the perfect 5-year-old party!
I love you, Julia. I thank our Father in Heaven all day long that you are my daughter. I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are amazing and I'm excited for this wonderful year of being 5!

Before you were born

Julia hasn't talked a whole lot about Adria since the accident. Today she finally wanted to talk about her sister. She talked about her throughout the day. One moment we had I feel like I need to write down so that Julia will remember it for the rest of her life when times are hard.
We were reading the picture scriptures about when Joseph Smith was a young boy and had to have surgery on his leg. I told Julia that Joseph's older brothers helped him. I asked if she would help Kara when Kara needed help. She responded quietly, "I think I want to die and go live in Heaven with Adria."
This made me pause. My instinct was to grab her and hold her tight and shout, "Never leave me!!" But I realized that she was dealing with some very real feelings. Luckily, the Spirit stepped in and gave me some guidence. In my talk at the funeral I had felt impressed to share with everyone an experience that Ben and I had regarding Adria's choice to stay on earth. I knew that I needed to share it with Julia as well. I told her that before Adria was born she talked to Heavenly Father and He told her that there were a lot of things that she needed to do in Heaven. Adria asked if she could stay with her family for three years and the Lord agreed. Then He told her that after three years she needed to come back to Heaven to help there.
Then I felt that I needed to share one more thing with Julia. I told her that before she was born, the Lord told her that she needed to come to earth for a long time. He told her that her sister would die and she would be sad. But then He asked Julia if she would stay for a long time on earth. He told her that she needed to help Mommy and Daddy and then she needed to grow up and be a mommy. I told her that she promised Heavenly Father that she would do those things. I asked her if she could still do those things. Julia thought for a minute and then agreed. But, she made me promise that when she grows up to be a mommy, I will come visit her every Friday because she doesn't want to be lonely. I told her that I would do that.
I am so thankful for the gospel and the Holy Ghost and all the direction and comfort that my family has had these past few weeks. I know that the Lord is in charge and we will all return home and live with Him again someday.

Stories we want to remember

As we go through the grieving process, stories of Adria give us hope. We laugh through our tears and smile away the sorrow. Some of the stories I have already blogged about. But some still need to be written down so that we can remember them when our memories fail us. Here are two that Ben and I were talking about tonight.
The first one happened about 9 months ago. Adria was still sleeping in a crib, It was time to go to bed and I went into her room to get her pjs and found that she had shredded an entire loaf of bread into her crib. She must have done it earlier in the day because the bread was all dried and messy. I yelled down the stairs, "Adria, why did you do this!?" Everyone came into the room to see what I was talking about. Ben turned to Adria and said, "You just made a really big mess for Mommy. Why did you do that?" Adria shuffled her feet and thought for just a moment then quickly said, "I had to feed the crocodiles. They said I had to feed them. They said "feed us or we'll eat you!" So I had to feed them."
That is a very Adria story.
The second one is similar in some ways. It was just about a month before the accident. We had come home from church and sent the girls up to change out of their nice dresses before dinner.Adria kept coming down totally nude. We would send her back up to get dressed only to be met wih the same naked kid. Finally I said, "Adria, you are still naked! Why won't you get dressed?" She replied without hesitation. "Well, I tried Mommy but when I went in my room the drawer said to me in a monster voice, "Adria, YOU'RE TOO SMALL FOR PANTIES!!" I laughed so hard at that. It still makes me chuckle.
Adria, you may be living in Heaven, but your memories will live in our hearts forever.

My Adria

Hello family and friends. I don't really know what to say. My heart is so full of emotions lately. I guess first I want to thank everyone for their generousity, faith, prayers and kind words. Our family has been overwhelmed by the extent of kindness we have received during the last few weeks.

Many people have asked how we are doing. Surprisingly, we are doing alright. Our hearts ache for the loss of Adria, but the Lord has truly poured his Spirit down on us. I believe that the hardest times are still to come as we adjust to life without Adria. She was always so energetic, happy and alive. Our lives are much quieter without her. I miss her sweet voice, her curly hair and her infectious laughter. There are times when I find myself crying so hard that I can hardly catch my breath. It hurts more than I can express. My arms ache to hold my baby. Sometimes I turn to the picture of her next to my bed and just talk to her. Other times I plead with the Lord for comfort. I miss her.

I do want everyone to know that Ben, Julia and I have a testimony of life after death. We know that Adria lives on, still as happy and energetic as ever. When Julia's cousin first came up to her after the accident, she gave Julia a big hug and said she was sorry that Adria was dead. Julia looked surprised and replied, "Adria isn't dead, she's living with Jesus." I know this to be true. While she has laid down her body, our Adria that we all know and love still lives on. We miss her terribly, but we will see her again. I know that families are eternal. I'm so grateful that Ben and I were sealed together for this life and for all eternity so that no matter where she is, Adria is still our daughter.

I guess I should note that I am doing much better. I've been out of the hospital for 6 days now. The doctors believe that in time I will make a full recovery. Many of you have asked what happened to me. It's a long list. I have 7 broken ribs, some broken in several places. One of these punctured my right lung and caused it to collapse. My L5 vertibre was broken and so I am now in a large brace. My knee seperated at the tibia plateau so the doctors had to do surgery and reattach my lower leg. I have a few screws and metal plates now. My leg will be fully immobilized as it heals. I also have some more minor injuries. My right shoulder blade is fractured, the liver was bruised and had a few small lacerations. My abdominal wall seperated from something (ok, I forgot) and I have lost my voice. It's been over a week now and I would really like my voice back! The doctors are hopeful that by the first week of November I should be able to remove the leg and back braces and start back to a normal life. In the meantime, my sweet family is letting me and the girls stay with them to recover.

I know this is a long post, so I will post about the funeral later. Thank you all again for your faith and support. Please keep us in your prayers as we still have some rough days ahead. Any memories you want to share with us of Adria would be most appreciated. We want to compile a book of memories for Julia and Kara to have as they grow older and forget as children do.

All our love,
Ben and Tricia