9 months old

Good times

We've had a lot of fun here in Utah. My family has been so patient and wonderful. As glad as we will be to go home, we will definately miss all the fun and action around here. Here are some of the things we will miss the most!

Tea parties with Maddi

Crazy Cowboy Chris

Mowing with Grandpa

"I" is for ice cream

Julia learned how to frost cookies all by herself

Baby's first Halloween candy...yum!

Julia told me we have to come to Utah for Fall every year because AZ just doesn't have enough leaves

Reading with Grandpa and Grandma Lund

Julia's alphabet crown! She was so proud!

The Lord is in control

Warning: This post will make you cry. Those of you who didn't believe me last time should go stock up on Kleenex. Also, it is has a very difficult description of our visit to the scene of the accident. I wrote this for me, don't feel obligated to read it.
I have always wanted to be a mother and wife. There are other things that have come and gone, but I have never once not wanted to be the best mom and the hottest wife in the world. Now that I am a mom and wife, I can honestly say that I love it. I don't feel like I am a mom because I have to be or that I feel obligated to be a mom. I am a mom and wife and it's great. The last two months have really helped me to realize how deeply satisfying it is to be a mother to my girls. When I was in the hospital and I couldn't even hold my babies it was so incredibly hard. As soon as I could, I started holding them. I would feed Kara as often as I could. Or I would just hold them.

And it was frustrating to only be able to do that. They would cry or need something and I couldn't do it. I'm stubbornly determined to get back to being a full time mom as soon as I am physically able...or perhaps a bit before that.

Today was a frustrating day because I seem to have gotten an infection in my knee. I wanted to yell and scream and just rip off the darn knee because I don't want any set backs now. It was at this point that I realized why it was so important to me that I get well fast. I do want to walk and drive and use stairs again, but really what I want the most is to go back to being an awesome mom and wife. (Because I am totally awesome!) I know that you're all going to say nice things about how I'm still being a great mom and wife, but somehow its just not as gratifying when I'm sitting on the couch yelling for my mom to come help Kara, or when I hear about how awesome all the other women in our AZ ward are at making dinner for my husband. I know I would do it if I could and that makes up for a lot, but I miss the doing. I guess I just wanted to say for the record, I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now I'm fully aware that all moms and wives need a break now and then. I know I needed a lot of breaks. But this has just gone on too long. Two months was more than I wanted. Being a mom and wife is hard sometimes.

Like this last weekend for example. There were a lot of things that needed to be done, but they were really hard. On Saturday, Ben and I went with the girls back to where the accident happened. As we stopped, it was like a punch in the stomach. Even though 2 months had gone by, it looked like the accident had just happened. The pieces of the car were strewn across the ground. You could see exactly where the car went off the road and then where it started to roll. There were still tracks from the ambulences, tow truck and helicopters. And hardest of all was looking at a small piece of dirt and knowing that it was where my daughter died. Julia showed us where she found me and where she helped Kara and talked about watching Ben leave to get help. I looked at the harsh ground and wondered how I walked barefoot when I desperately needed to know my family was ok. I could see about where I collapsed when my body couldn't go another step and from there I saw Adria and knew she was gone.

Ben and I held each other and held our girls and together we said goodbye. It was hard, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don't know all of Ben's thoughts (nor do I think he would want them blogged about) but I do know that he found comfort there. As we stood there together facing the reality of our new life without Adria, we also gained perspective. We realized that we are still a family. We are moving forward together. We are living better lives because we desperately want to be an eternal family. It also became very clear that the accident was a moment in time. It has passed now. The effects remain, but we can choose how we go on. We chose as we stood there to not let that day define us. Rather, we will define ourselves. I told Ben that I had imagined a horrific scene in my mind. But as I stood there, it became more manageable. I could see how the Lord had protected Julia and Kara and Ben. He even protected me. I will recover fully and that is a huge blessing. I was amazed that the search and rescue teams even found us. As we drove the road Ben walked for help, there was no cell phone service anywhere! Yet somehow he had been able to call for help. Again and again as we walked that sacred ground we were touched by how the Lord watched over us. It was reaffirmed to all of us that it really was Adria's time to return home. We miss her terribly and always will, but we took another step forward on Saturday. And we remembered that the Lord is in control. He always will be.

Family Fun

Monday night my parents treated us to a fun time down at the Thanksgiving Point corn maze.

Jess and Maddi as well as Nate and Tiffany came with us so it was just a big party. Julia and Maddi had a great time running around and wearing themselves out.

Kara and I followed them around in the wheelchair.

There was so much to do that Julia never even went in the actual corn maze. My brothers said it was a bit long anyway. You know if a 17 year old feels like its long, then a 5 year old would've hated it!

So the girls started out in the bounce houses.

This was one of their favorite things! They also enjoyed a ride in a cow train, duck races, cotton candy, the hay maze and a horse race.

Nate helped Julia get the horse to work. This video cracks me up. Thanks everyone for a great time!

Columbus Day

Julia came home excited that today was a holiday. I asked her if they did anything fun and she showed me the picture she drew of Christopher Columbus.
J: “This is Christopher Columbus.”
Me: “Do you know who Christopher Columbus is?”
J: “Yeah, he was the guy that ran into America. He was trying to go to India, but he just didn’t know that he’d run into America. He helped us find this place!”

For Adria

I posted this on Facebook a few weeks ago after Adria's funeral, but I just realized I never posted my eulogy for Adria here. Since I'm not going to print and save my Facebook account, I just wanted to post my talk on here. I know some of you know this, but this came to me at 4am one night in the hospital. I really believe that this is what Adria wanted me to say. I was able to type the whole thing in about 30 minutes. I miss her so much, but I'm glad I was able to say this for her.

I’m so grateful to be able to speak today. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I am up here this morning. So many people have played a role in my healing, but the Lord has directed them. They have been my angels and I’m so thankful for them. I am truly touched to see how many people have come to support me and my family today. Each one of you mourns for our loss and I want you to know that your love and faith strengthens us. I feel so much comfort as I look at each of you. I know it will be a busy day, but if you have time, please come give me a hug. I may look like a bit broken, but if you just get the left side, I’ll take as many hugs as I can get!
As I speak to you today, I have many things on my mind. Most importantly, I know that Adria is here with us today along with countless other people who have passed on but who love this family and have come to support us. We are blessed to have many wonderful people who will speak to you today of doctrine. I want to tell you about Adria. Also, I want you to know that today I am speaking for Adria. Not to Adria, but rather to you, from her. First, I need to tell you about her.
There is so much I could tell. From the moment she was born, Adria was in love with life. She was what some called a difficult baby because she never slept and always wanted to be held. As her mother, I knew that she really just wanted to experience the world around her. I remember many sleepless nights singing to her or trying to sleep sitting up so that she wouldn’t wake. As she got older, this never changed. Very few nights in her life were for sleeping. She would wake up and want to wander the house in search of a toy or a snack before trying to crawl into bed with Mommy. For a long time Ben and I fought the sharing of our bed. However, in July something changed. Ben stopped me in the early hours one morning and said, “Let her stay.” The next day he explained to me that he felt like we needed to let her come sleep in our bed for as long as she wanted. He assured me that I wouldn’t regret it. I’m so glad that I trusted his spiritual wisdom. My fondest memories of Adria will be those mornings we spent cuddled together. Once the sun finally poked its head over the horizon, Adria would touch me and say with the biggest smile, “Good morning, Mommy.” I’m not a morning person so most of the time this was met with jibberish. Then she would tell me whether or not she had good dreams. By this time I usually managed to give her a squeeze and then remind her that I had set out her favorite cereal the night before. This was always followed by a smile and then her little self would jump out of bed and run to start the day. I tell you this because it is the way Adria took on life. Everything was worth running to and smiling about. She loved life.
Adria was one of the most loving little girls I have ever known. She couldn’t stay angry at anyone no matter what. She was always eager to make up and give a hug. When she felt I had wronged her she would go sit at the top of the stairs and arrange her face into a very dramatic frown. But I knew her weakness. I would poke my head around the corner and wiggle my eyebrows at her. Sometimes I would frown back, but that’s all it took and she would throw herself at me for a giant bear hug. What a wonderful example she was to me of forgiveness and compassion. We should all take a lesson from little Adria. If someone frowns at us, it probably means that they want a hug.
Now I have to note here that I was hardly a perfect parent. I yelled and punished and made all the mistakes that we know we shouldn’t. But Adria was such a special spirit. I feel like the Lord gave me a special insight into her personality. She was one of the most curious little people I have ever known. She had a knack for making giant messes in a very short time period. People that knew us often commented to me that I had a high level of patience with these situations. But I know that this was the Lord, opening my heart and showing me that Adria meant no harm, she simply wanted to understand the world around her. She loved learning new things. Sometimes she wanted to learn what it felt like to step into a mixture of butter, jam, milk and sugar. She said that felt really cool. I’ll never forget the time she learned about zero. Oh, the joy that filled her life! She talked about zero endlessly for weeks. She was so pleased that she could have zero of something. Sometimes it was random, like how many crocodiles she had upstairs. Other times it was trouble, like how many eggs were left unbroken. But zero was an adventure for Adria.
I love that Adria loved to learn. I hope that in her short life she learned more than most children do. I believe that she is going to continue to run and run and learn as much as she can up in Heaven. I imagine it will take several angels running a relay to keep up with her. That’s what it took from Ben and me.
My heart has been filled with the Spirit this week and I feel that Adria wants me to share something with you. Ben and I had a wonderful experience on Wednesday. We were talking about Adria when suddenly I was overwhelmed by the Spirit. My mind was filled with knowledge. I suddenly knew that when Adria came to this life, the Lord told her that she didn't have to stay. She just needed to get a body and then she could go home. But Adria chose to stay. She wanted to experience life, to spend time in our family, to touch people's lives. Her gift to me is that she stayed. She was my little girl for as long as she could be. I am so overwhelmed by that, and so thankful.
This brings me to the second part of what I want to say for Adria. I know she is here and I know that what I say next is what she would want me to say. I want to share her testimony. Some of you may think that a three year olds’ testimony is just mimicked from their parents. Those of you who have three year olds will know that three is the age where they start becoming stubborn and having ideas of their own that they hold on to tightly. I want to tell you that this is how Adria’s testimony is. Ben and I introduced her to God and her Savior and the scriptures, but she embraced it fully. She loved Jesus with all her young girl heart. Adria has a testimony of Christ’s atonement and resurrection. She loved the idea of Heaven and friends that we had before we came here. She talked often of the temple and being a forever family. Adria knows that she came to earth as part of God’s plan. She knows that she is a daughter of God. Adria wants you all to know that she loves you. She knows how important families are and she wants us to hold tight to each other. Adria knows that this gospel is true. She has a testimony. I want to add mine to hers, I know that Ben and I were sealed together in a temple of the Lord and that power will hold our family together through the eternities. I know Jesus Christ lives. I know that Adria lives. I will see her again.
Now the time has come where I have to say goodbye. I can only do this because I know that I will see Adria again and because I know that I will always be her mother. Now I want to say, as the prophet Jacob of old, Adieu. Adieu, my little Adria, until we meet again.