I have always wanted to be a mother and wife. There are other things that have come and gone, but I have never once not wanted to be the best mom and the hottest wife in the world. Now that I am a mom and wife, I can honestly say that I love it. I don't feel like I am a mom because I have to be or that I feel obligated to be a mom. I am a mom and wife and it's great. The last two months have really helped me to realize how deeply satisfying it is to be a mother to my girls. When I was in the hospital and I couldn't even hold my babies it was so incredibly hard. As soon as I could, I started holding them. I would feed Kara as often as I could. Or I would just hold them.
And it was frustrating to only be able to do that. They would cry or need something and I couldn't do it. I'm stubbornly determined to get back to being a full time mom as soon as I am physically able...or perhaps a bit before that.
Today was a frustrating day because I seem to have gotten an infection in my knee. I wanted to yell and scream and just rip off the darn knee because I don't want any set backs now. It was at this point that I realized why it was so important to me that I get well fast. I do want to walk and drive and use stairs again, but really what I want the most is to go back to being an awesome mom and wife. (Because I am totally awesome!) I know that you're all going to say nice things about how I'm still being a great mom and wife, but somehow its just not as gratifying when I'm sitting on the couch yelling for my mom to come help Kara, or when I hear about how awesome all the other women in our AZ ward are at making dinner for my husband. I know I would do it if I could and that makes up for a lot, but I miss the doing. I guess I just wanted to say for the record, I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Now I'm fully aware that all moms and wives need a break now and then. I know I needed a lot of breaks. But this has just gone on too long. Two months was more than I wanted. Being a mom and wife is hard sometimes.
Like this last weekend for example. There were a lot of things that needed to be done, but they were really hard. On Saturday, Ben and I went with the girls back to where the accident happened. As we stopped, it was like a punch in the stomach. Even though 2 months had gone by, it looked like the accident had just happened. The pieces of the car were strewn across the ground. You could see exactly where the car went off the road and then where it started to roll. There were still tracks from the ambulences, tow truck and helicopters. And hardest of all was looking at a small piece of dirt and knowing that it was where my daughter died. Julia showed us where she found me and where she helped Kara and talked about watching Ben leave to get help. I looked at the harsh ground and wondered how I walked barefoot when I desperately needed to know my family was ok. I could see about where I collapsed when my body couldn't go another step and from there I saw Adria and knew she was gone.
Ben and I held each other and held our girls and together we said goodbye. It was hard, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don't know all of Ben's thoughts (nor do I think he would want them blogged about) but I do know that he found comfort there. As we stood there together facing the reality of our new life without Adria, we also gained perspective. We realized that we are still a family. We are moving forward together. We are living better lives because we desperately want to be an eternal family. It also became very clear that the accident was a moment in time. It has passed now. The effects remain, but we can choose how we go on. We chose as we stood there to not let that day define us. Rather, we will define ourselves. I told Ben that I had imagined a horrific scene in my mind. But as I stood there, it became more manageable. I could see how the Lord had protected Julia and Kara and Ben. He even protected me. I will recover fully and that is a huge blessing. I was amazed that the search and rescue teams even found us. As we drove the road Ben walked for help, there was no cell phone service anywhere! Yet somehow he had been able to call for help. Again and again as we walked that sacred ground we were touched by how the Lord watched over us. It was reaffirmed to all of us that it really was Adria's time to return home. We miss her terribly and always will, but we took another step forward on Saturday. And we remembered that the Lord is in control. He always will be.
2 comments:
You are such a strength to me! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing, Tricia. I'm sure life is seeming really difficult for you right now. I, too, remember the time when all I could do what rely on everyone else around me for help. I spent a long time in the hospital before the triplets came, and then lots of time recovering from my C-Section after they were born- all while mourning our loss. It was such a humbling experience to just say, "ok" to people offering help to me. I wanted SO badly for ME to be able to do things! When people offered help, I just wanted to say, "oh no thank you, I'm okay!". In reality, I desperately needed their help and I knew it. I was sick of being the receiver, and I was ready to be a giver again. I'm sure you've felt the same frustrations. It's very humbling to realize that through your struggle and misfortune, you're creating opportunities for others to receive much needed blessings in their lives. Each act of service is part of someone else's healing process. Of course all of us that know you are all sitting around thinking "what can I do to help tricia?", because you are for sure so loved. Try to stay focused on the bigger picture- the truth that you will fully recover- and what a blissful day that will be! Take advantage, now though, of the people around you that are so desperate to do "something" to help. You're being so strong, as much as I know you hate to hear that. You're an inspiration- and you've given me the things i really needed. Because of you and your experience, I now am reminded often to hug my kids a little longer each night and really soak myself into my "motherhood" job. You've helped mold my outlook as a mother and also reminded me about the truthfulness of my own very eternal family. What a gift you have given me. Thank you, Tricia. Hang in there- as Joseph Smith was told, "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment” (D&C 121:7) I'm here if you ever want to talk, or get your mind off of things :-)
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