Coming home

Over the last few months I've thought about how it would be to come home. The first few weeks after the accident I often felt like Adria wasn't really gone and when I came home she would be here and life would go back to the way it was. As the weeks passed, this feeling faded. I began to really worry about coming home. What if I just sat and cried all day long at my empty house? Julia would be gone all day and Kara's not much for conversation. Adria was the noise and activity that filled my days. By the time I was healed enough to come home, I was ready. I wanted to come back and take the next step in healing. I wanted to move on with our lives.

Flying home

Kara's first plane ride

I've been home a week now. Overall, it's been really nice. There have been hard times. I still can't bring myself to put away any of Adria's things. Her shoes are still by the door and her dance bag is still hanging on the hook. I finally wiped the kitchen table Sunday and cried because the glitter that she spilled is gone now. Yesterday I was in the kitchen feeding Kara and I thought to myself, "This quiet used to mean that Adria was getting into trouble. I used to call her name and she'd peek down at me from up in the loft." I couldn't help it, I called her name. I almost believed that she would answer. I wanted her voice to fill my house again. I called her again. It felt good to hear her name. But it broke my heart all over again that she didn't answer.
But, like I said, overall I'm really glad to be home. Our life is moving forward. Our friends at church have been really great. Its so wonderful to feel loved and wanted. I bore my testimony on Sunday to the women in Relief Society. I wanted them to know how much it helped when they said kind things. I told them how their prayers had strengthened all of us. As I was standing there talking I was hit with the realization that we have never been alone through this trial. I realize that the Lord is always helping all of us who ask for help, but more than His help, we've had the love and support of friends and family. It made me feel sad for the people who have trials that no one sees or knows about. I've been there too. When I was teenager dealing with depression and anxiety, I used to cry from loneliness. I decided on Sunday and I looked at those wonderful women that I would make sure that each of my prayers from now on includes me asking the Lord to direct me to those who need my help. I've been so blessed and loved and cared for, I have to start giving back. I'll never be able to repay all the kindness that I've been given, but I want to start. So if you need a friend or a babysitter or whatever, come to me! I'm home now, and I'm ready to start giving back.