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I really love how it turned out.
But I couldn't help but stop and think about where we are 7 months later. In one of my classes at BYU they talked about grief. I can't remember if it was the textbook or the professor who said that grief over a loss like this never gets less painful. The pain comes less often as time goes on, but the pain is still as sharp as it was in the beginning. That's how it has been for me. Some days or even weeks will go by without any tears now. But some times something will trigger that pain and it just hurts so bad.
I think Julia feels the same way, although she is young enough that I think she's forgetting all the reasons why it hurts. The other night I was putting her to bed and she was looking at the pictures of Adria on her dresser.
She started getting really sad. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I never got to teach Adria all of my dance moves. She really loved dancing and she would have liked to learn everything I'm learning. I wish she was still alive so we could dance together."
I'm sure you can imagine how well I kept it together. I tried to think of a way to help her feel better, but the truth was that she was right. Adria loved to dance with her big sister. And I wish she was still alive too. So I told her that. And I promised that we would try harder as a family to make good choices so we can all be together again someday.
And we have tried harder. We're doing much better at scripture reading. We haven't missed a night in 2 weeks. We were having a hard time getting everyone together, so we started doing it at dinner. Whoever is done eating first (Ben or me) will start reading. It's working really well for us.
I think the hardest day for me was about a month ago. Ben had taken Julia and Kara so I could get some things done around the house. The shoe basket had been totally overflowing. I knew that there were a bunch of Adria's shoes in the bottom. I thought I was ready to clean it out. So I took out all of Adria's shoes and Julia's shoes that don't fit any more. There were a few matching sets. And I totally lost it. More than I usually do. I was really angry that Adria wasn't here to wear matching shoes with Julia. I looked at those piles of shoes and I could remember all the places she wore them. All the times she lost them. I remembered how I never would put Adria's shoes on until we got to our destination because she would NEVER leave them on in the car. Adria hated shoes. I started thinking about all the times when she got hurt because she wouldn't keep those shoes on. I remembered taking family pictures at Thanksgiving. I love this picture:
It is so Adria. She has no shoes and she's getting as close as she can to Julia.
So I cleaned out the shoe basket. Then I cried over some dirty shoes. And then I started yelling at them. I can still feel how angry I was. I just wanted Adria to come back. It isn't fair. Her birthday is going to be on Easter this year. It's great that it will be on the day we celebrate the Resurrection, but I don't want that day to come. I don't want to deal with her not turning 4. I see all these toys at Target or wherever and wonder what she would have been begging for if she was here. Where would we have her party? How long would her beautiful hair be?
I have to stop. Sometimes I just can't think about all the things I'm missing because I think I might never come back from the grief. I don't post about this very often because first of all, there's a lot more to our life than missing Adria. And second, when I put my feelings into words it makes me cry a lot. But I wanted to write this down so that one day Julia or whomever can look back and know that it's okay to hurt. It's okay to hurt a lot sometimes. But after you hurt you have to pick yourself up and move forward. So we move forward each day and instead of thinking about how each day is taking me farther from the last time I held her, I think about how each day is taking me closer to holding her again.
But like I said, most days now we are fine. We are moving forward and trying to do our best.
4 comments:
Way to make a girl cry in the mid-afternoon. And I say that lovingly, because you obviously have a special place in my heart, Tricia. Every time I read these completely honest and revealing posts, it just breaks me down. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, even though I understand we are not the intended recipients...thank you for sharing. It helps us all in our own grieving processes as well. I understand why it's hard to put your feelings into words. I feel the same way about my situation. Adria was such a little sweetheart...and I know she's doing so much in Heaven. I hope it doesn't seem weird, but I was actually visiting my little guy's headstone 3 days ago in the same cemetery, and I drove over to see if Adria had a headstone yet. I didn't see anything, but as I drove past where I knew she was laid, I said a little prayer to watch over her and to watch over you and your little family here on earth. I hope you still feel everyone's prayers and I hope they really do give you strength!
It breaks my heart to think of how often you have to think about the things Adria will be missing out on in life. That's got to be pain that's unimaginable. When her birthday comes...know that I will be sending prayers for extra strength and courage your way. You're amazing, Tricia, even though I know you don't want to accept that!
PS I will let Skyler know he's gotta look out for Adria and stick together as they wait for us to hold them again.
At a loss for words. Love you guys.
I'd like to say its my pregnancy hormones that just took over...but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I'm balling like a baby! The headstone is beautiful and I love your post. You are right, someday your girls and maybe even you, will look back on this and learn a lot from it, you'll learn how strong you are, you'll learn its ok to hurt and its even more ok to remember and talk about it and share feelings and move on...but as you move on its still ok to remember and talk about the past. Love you tons! xoxox
Tricia--Thank you for that post. And for your honesty. I don't know how to say it, but you really spoke to my heart. It IS okay to hurt. There are so many people that love you Tricia!
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